Maybe I've fallen in love with the thought of you.

Ideas are easier to love than people.

I'm too much and not enough. Always straddling that line between when to speak and when to keep quiet.

And I'm never sure if I should tell you the things I want to say or if they'll just scare you away.

If I thought it would make a difference, I would try to explain to you. How my thoughts and emotions are hopelessly entangled. These feelings I fight and embrace daily. How laughter can feel like fire and sun and tears can feel like ice and rain.

I would love for you to understand. If you would care to.

I am not a princess locked in a tower.
There is no gallant knight on a steed to save me.

In this story, I am the hero.
In this story, I save myself.

You may find it crazy that I find comfort in storms, but maelstroms are freeing.

In their own way.

There is a joy that lifts the edges of my spirit when I've accepted my needs. Moreso when they embrace my wants.

There are times I see your pain and wish to take it and hide it from you. Cocoon you away from sorrow and hurt and sadness. Absorb it into myself to free you from it.

But I am only human.

Hopelessness is maddening.

It tears and pulls at your insides,
taking all the warmth and turning it black and cold.
Frozen.

But hope will return.

I am afraid.

Afraid that the other shoe is about to drop. Afraid that this will end in fire and rage with one or both of us screaming in pain. Afraid that you expect too much. Afraid that I can only give too little. Afraid that I will cause you new torment and you will tear me asunder. Afraid that we are playing the world's most dangerous game.

I am afraid. But I am willing.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if we had met in a different time or place. But the what-if game is a dangerous one to play. 

I'm terrified of the silence.
It's taken you from me before.

Please don't let it take you again.

He can drown you, without being near any water.
Pressing in, and making sure you have nowhere to run
He’ll cause your heart to speed, race.
Laughing as your lungs search frantically for some shred of salvation, some small string of hope.
He knows none exists.

He’ll tell you horrible things.
How you’re a terrible person, that you will never amount to anything, that things would be better if you were dead.
He’ll say you are a sad, pathetic, useless shell of a person.
That everyone would be better off without you.
He’ll smile as you cry.

He hurts you and relishes every moment.
If he went after anyone you love, you wouldn’t stand for his abuses, but you do nothing but take his horrible words.
He pulls you away, from your friends, your family, your happiness.
He does his best to leave you completely helpless.

And then he’ll leave
And you’ll have no choice but to try and pick up the pieces, try to rebuild yourself and your life.
You might be successful, but he’s left scars
And you wonder when he’ll reappear,
With a wicked smile on his lips.

But you, you could tear this place down to the ground. Pull down every brick, every mortared building. Every person as they lie there, screaming. But you could also build it back up.

All I want is for you to be happy. To be free from the bonds you've made for yourself. Because life is more than a series of obligations.

But you already know that.

There is a beauty that exists here, beneath your skin. Waiting for you to embrace it, if you will only try.

I don't know if you can comprehend the emotional weight of breathing. And I don't know how to explain it to you. 

You remember me sad and sweet and crying. I never showed you me strong and fierce and beautiful.

There is an unfathomable depth to the weight of your words. And I wonder why it doesn't match the lightness of your heart. 

Sometimes I lack the words to tell you how you are meaningful. How you are beautiful. Because you shouldn't need to be told, you should just know.  

Sometimes I wonder if you can every truly know a person. Or if all you ever know is the series of masks they present to the world.